Moving down the road.....and trying to move on

I moved down the road to see great friends in the NY Metro area and to try and heal the wounds that were still visible to almost everyone around me. Somewhere south of Philly, I made a decision.....I wasn't ready to head back to the DC area just yet. A week with friends in the NY Metro area wasn't going to be enough time for me to even feel right about heading back to DC. I love DC and I wanted to come back, but I had to be mentally and emotionally ready to come back. I needed to get out away from the East Coast and see some sun and try to heal. So, I called up my great friend Zach in Phoenix and told him I was coming out to spend the month of March in Arizona. He was thrilled to hear the good news! After trying to convince me to come visit him for a couple of months, I finally was coming out to Phoenix. And just in the nick of time as Helen, Paula, and Vickie were going to be hanging out in the great Southwest for most of the time that I was going to be out there.

It was going to be just what I needed.....time with friends.

More later......

The day I had waited for......and dreaded

It was an emotional day for me.....one that I will never forget for the rest of my life. It was a day that I had anticipated, but hadn't expected. I couldn't help but be excited, but still cautious at the same time. This was a day that I dreamt about every day during my five month journey around the world......it was the day I was coming back and would see Carolyn for the first time since we last saw each other in Bangkok's airport in October, but I was not coming home, not to the home I wanted or expected.

I would have loved to have said something to her to change her mind, but those walls were too high to climb over and too thick to break through. She made it clear that I wasn't going to be able to hurt her any more, but all I wanted to do was to tell her I loved her one last time and to hold her close and always remember the good times with her. In the end, after all was said and done, I realized that we finally did the one thing we couldn't do when we were together.....sit down and honestly talk about our relationship and be open with each other. A bit ironic and cruel.

More later......

Crushed......absolutely crushed

After not getting much sleep last night, I'm moving on down the road after spending some precious time with my aunt in Knoxville, a place I called home for a couple of years after college. After holding out hope that maybe.....just maybe, there might still be a chance, those hopes and dreams were crushed, just as I was, by the worst possible news that I could hear. I'm glad that I was with my aunt as she was able to comfort me at one of my lowest, if not the lowest, points of my short life. For that, I'll always be grateful to her and her wisdom and ability to put things into perspective. For now, it's a wet drive over the mountains to Charlotte, NC to see a friend before heading back to DC for some finality.

More later.....

A great friend.....in a great town

After exploring the greater Memphis area, I made the slow drive up out of the Mississippi delta and over to Nashville, one of the great towns in the country if you love country music. I think some country music was definitely in order for me at this point in my life. My great friend did a great job of keeping us busy with fun stuff, but probably the most fun I had was listening to a bluegrass band called Jypsi play at a little joint down on Broadway. They were a funky group of family members almost reminiscent of a folk group out of the 60's, but they could definitely play and I was drawn to one of the covers they did. It was an old Waylon Jennings song called, "I don't want to get over you" and the lead singer blew me away with her moving vocals.

After spending some good time and talking about life with my great friend, I made my way to Knoxville, a place I called home for a couple of years after college.

More later......

Finally......I stop off in Memphis!

You would figure that with all of the back and forth drives I did from Knoxville to Texas through the years, I would have stopped off and seen some of Memphis. But every time I drove through I was booking it trying to get to my destination as fast as I could. This time was a lot different....with no job and no destination to get to, I had time to stop off and experience some of Memphis.

I don't know why I didn't make myself stop earlier, but I'm glad I finally did! I liked Memphis for some of the reasons that I like New Orleans, it just had an interesting mix of people, music and culture. I got a chance to fulfill another childhood dream and see Graceland.....after all, I do share a birthday with The King. And was truly moved at the Civil Rights Museum at the site of the former Lorraine Motel. I stopped off for some pretty good BBQ before hitting the road to spend a long weekend in Nashville with a great friend.

More later......

Big D and the suburbs

So, growing up in and around the Houston area, especially being an Oilers fan, there seems to be a subtle dislike for the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. Most people claim to be from Dallas, but really grow up in one of the surrounding areas like Mesquite, De Soto, Arlington, etc. And lets face it, most of the folks up in the Dallas area are transplants from other parts of the nation.

As it happens, I just spent a weekend with a good friend from college who lives in one such suburb.....Garland. I got a chance to see and experience some of the great things about the Dallas/Ft. Worth area as well as throw my own twist on the experience. From the Stockyards, to Joe T. Garcia's, to Billy Bob's (the world's largest honky-tonk), to smoking shisha, a few too many beers and deep conversations about life, the choices you make and the consequences of those decisions; the weekend was definitely a great stop on the road......and on the road of life.

But now it's time to make my way through Southern Arkansas (oh boy!) to the greater Memphis area.

More later........

A cold north wind

There's a constant, cold north wind blowing and I guess it's kind of appropriate. It's a reminder that the world can be a cold place sometimes.

It's funny I woke up this morning and thought about life and the decisions you make and the effect that all of that has on someone. I left my parents house 8 months ago and thought I was ready for all that life would throw at me. Now, after taking a beating from life and my own decisions, I'm a bit scared at what I'm going to face when I hit the road again.

It's funny in an ironic sort of way I guess......it just lets you know how humbling it can all be sometimes. One minute your flying high and you think you have the world in the palm of your hand......you make a decision and wham! Life hits you with a left hook you didn't see coming. But everyone gets knocked down and we all make mistakes in life. No one's perfect and no one makes all the right choices in life.....it just doesn't happen.

I was given some great advice by a friend awhile back and he said, "everyone makes mistakes, it's how we react from those mistakes that defines who we are."

Haunted

Lately, it seems I've been haunted by this particular song.....and I do mean haunted. I woke up at 3:45am this morning with thoughts and visions crowding the corners of my mind. When the fog cleared, I thought of the lyrics of this song.

It all started when I was in Houston visiting a friend and he was playing some songs on the piano. My friend is a very talented piano player and vocalist and he was giving me a sample of his repertoire. He started playing this song and singing it and I hadn't heard it in years, but when he started singing the song, it instantly struck something deep inside me. Like I said, I've been listening to a lot of music lately and I think Phil Collins got this one down perfectly.

Against All Odds by Phil Collins

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking
Every breath with you oohhhh
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
There's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me, is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
There's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So take a look at me now
Cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you is all I can do
And that's what I've got to face.

Take a good look at me now
'Cause I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've got to face

Take A look at me now

Always on my mind

As I've been stuck trying to figure out my life going forward, I've been listening to a lot of music and finding meaning in the songs that I listen to. There are tons of great songs out there and lots of talented songwriters, but it sometimes seems that country musicians tell the best stories or have the best lyrics. And here's one that strikes home:

Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
If I made you feel second best
Girl I'm sorry I was blind

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your
Sweet love hasn't died
And give me
Give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied satisfied
Little things I should have

Said and done
I just never took the time

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind....

A Truly Texas Birthday

I awoke on my 29th birthday in Houston, after visiting a close friend for the couple of days preceding the big day. I thought of my current situation......unemployed and living with my parents......and while I must admit, it was a bit depressing, it didn't stop me from having a truly great day in Texas. I left my friend's place early in the morning and decided to take Alternate 90 back to San Antonio, which would be one of the best decisions of the day. Alternate 90 took me first through Richmond/Rosenburg where I stopped off and reminisced about an adventure at the local movie theater that Scott, Josh and I endured after Scott got a little too excited about seeing 'Escape from LA' with Kurt Russell!



With good thoughts in my head, I headed on down the road and saw a turn off for Wharton.....only 27 miles away. I decided that I need to turn off and go see my home town. After all, when was the next time I was going to be near Wharton on my birthday? So, I took the turn off and drove down Hwy 59 into the familiar pecan trees and farmland that surrounded Wharton, TX, my birthplace.



Right after turning off at the clinic and hospital that was home to my dad for so many hours during our younger years, Alan Jackson's 'Remember When' came on the radio, and I must admit, a tear came down as I drove by my old middle school. I drove through downtown and then by my old junior high school. After that, I drove to the old hospital and the building that I was born in and stopped the car and said a prayer of thanks. I then went to my old high school to see some of my former teachers and surprisingly, they remembered me. It was a humbling experience when they asked what I was doing now and I had to reply that I was 'unemployed and back home' but just the same, it's the humbling experiences that mean the most. After talking with my former teachers, I decided to head by my old elementary school for a bit. Then out to our old house and a walk around the perimeter to the back yard to find all of our peach trees gone, and of course, the graves for all our German Shepherds. I then decided to go visit a friend and drove to the cemetery to see the grave of my friend John Wobbe.



After reliving life and death in my hometown, I decided to hit the road again and made my way through Egypt (no, really) and Eagle Lake and met up again with Alternate 90. The drive was a beautiful one that took me through some small Texas towns I hadn't been through in ages. Just outside of Hallettsville, I stopped off at Janak's meat market and picked up a jalapeno sausage sandwich with mustard and homemade sauerkraut that was pretty amazing. I stopped off in Shiner and wanted to do the brewery tour, but it was going to put me late for the rest of the day. So, I kept on rolling down the road and made it back to San Antonio in time for my counseling session. After counseling, I went back out to my parent's place to go for my customary birthday run to clear my head. I then met my parents, grandparents, my nephew, my cousin Christina, and my brother Scott and his wife for a nice meal at a Thai restaurant in town. I know, BBQ might have been a better fit, but hey, you can't beat good Thai food!

I would have loved to do absolutely nothing up in DC with the one I love, but this was a pretty damn good day. If nothing, it was reflective and humbling and that's not necessarily a bad thing on your birthday.