Destiny or Not?

Sometimes I really do believe in some sort of predetermined destiny or fate. Still, other times I believe that life is what you make of it and is the result of the decisions you make. Is it one or the other? Or a combination of both? If it's a combination, how much of my predetermined path do I really have control over? If it's all just predetermined, then do my decisions even matter?

I've struggled with these question for a long, long time and I think most people, if they are self aware, have asked themselves these same questions. Heck, Tom Hanks won an Oscar asking himself these questions!

Still, sometimes you find yourself in a situation and think......."this is it, this is how it's supposed to be, this is how it's going to happen." But then life has a funny way of changing around on you.....and you're left with more questions.

Always more questions.......

I'm beginning to think that Don Henley was a lyrical genius......

"The more I know, the less I understand.
All the things I thought I knew, I'd have to learn again...."

Change?

Most people make grand resolutions and declarations as to things they are going to change when the new year begins. Promises to lose 20 pounds or renew old friendships or get out of credit card debt......or whatever, are made to the people around them........ And what ends up happening?

Very seldom do they follow through and usually by March most people can't even remember what they resolved to do in January. Change has to come from within for it to truly happen. You can't just talk about it and you can't just think about it......you've got to go out and do it. So that's why, this New Year, there was no great and glorious declaration, it was just simple........keep doing what I'm doing because change........has to come from within for it to truly happen.

Happy New Year!

More thoughts.......

I'm sure most people around the holidays take the time to reflect back where they were a year ago.......most likely spending it with a loved one or a friend. It's an easy thing to do and we all do it from time to time, remembering back to certain life events. So my thoughts this morning aren't all that different from most people, but still I reflect on where my life is and has been over the past year. It's definitely been an interesting ride, filled with pain, some joy and lots of personal growth. There has been a ton of thinking throughout the year and looking back on it, the biggest changes in myself have been my increased thoughts and self awareness as to my place not only my life, but in the lives of the people around me. I find myself thinking about my thoughts and actions and how they affect the people who are close to me.

Maybe I should have been thinking like that all along.......maybe things would have turned out differently? Who's to say what the future would have held? But with all of this thinking, one of the things that I've come to realize is that all I can really control are the things that I say and the actions that I take.........

Until later......

Messages on candy wrappers

As I sat at my desk and enjoyed a Dove dark chocolate morsel this afternoon, I looked down to see the message on the inside wrapper..........."Live in the present, forgive your past." I couldn't help but think of all the chocolate bar wrappers that we ran across in Southern Africa. Some said things like "Happy Birthday" while others said, "Miss you" or "Love you lots" and it got me to thinking.

Lately, it seems, I do a lot more thinking than I ever did in the past. Of course, I think about the past, a lot. How can I not think about the past? But sometimes I wonder if I hold on to the past a little too much. I wonder if I dwell too much on my perception of what was truly going on and what I thought I had. What if things didn't work out when I got back? Maybe this is how things are 'supposed to be.' But still the words of John Mayer ring out in my head, 'everything happens for a reason is no reason not to ask myself if I am living it right?' I mean, saying that "everything happens for a reason," kind of discounts our own decision making process in our lives, doesn't it? Or are the decisions that we make already predetermined?

Do we already have a predetermined plan in life? Or is life a consequence of the everyday decisions we make?

Until later........I'll be thinking.......

Quiet

When you live alone.....sometimes all you have are your inner thoughts. Sure, you can call your friends and chat with them, you can watch TV, listen to music or read a book to distract your mind, but that can't totally distract you from your thoughts. When you're in the shower or doing some cooking or going for a run, those thoughts are there with you. Sometimes you can keep them down or not worry about them, then other times....they are imprinted on your brain and they seem to be ever present. It's almost like no matter which way you turn or where you go, your thoughts are always there to cloud up your mind and question your actions. You walk to work.....they are there. You work out.....they are there. You get dressed......they are there. You sit on the metro to work......they are there. You ride up the escalator......they are there. You walk into your building.....they are there.

I wonder when I'll get the chance to quiet my inner thoughts.

More later.....

To all my friends in Texas......

Watch out! There could be some high winds, high waves, and maybe some rain this weekend. At least you'll have the Astros/cubs series to watch while you ride out the storm......oh, wait, that's been postponed. Well, you can definitely check out the Texans/ravens game on Sunday......no, that's been moved to Monday night. At least there's one thing you can count on in Texas and that's high school football under the Friday night lights........damn, that's been cancelled too!

Well, looks like you all should hunker down with some ice cold Shiner Bock beer and pray that the power, cable and internet stay on!

Good luck.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

From time to time, I've posted lyrics of songs that I've been listening to or that have meant something to me, so this post is not really that different from posts in the past. It's a beautiful song from John Denver, but made popular by Peter, Paul and Mary....it turned out to be their last and biggest hit reaching #1. As the story goes, John wrote the song when his flight was delayed and was originally titled "Oh babe, I hate to go."

To capture that feeling before taking a trip and having to leave someone that you love......truly amazing stuff.


"Leaving on a Jet Plane"
by John Denver

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go.
I'm standing here outside your door.
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye.
But the dawn is breaking it early morn.
The taxi's waitin he's blownin his horn.
Already I'm so lonesome I could die.


So kiss me and smile for me.
Tell me that you'll wait for me.
Hold me like you'll never let me go.
Cause I'm leavin on a jet plane.
Don't know when I'll be back again.
Oh, babe I hate to go.


There's is many times I've let you down
So many time I've played around.
I tell you now they don't mean a thing.
Every place I go I'll think of you.
Ev'ry song I sing I'll sing for you.
When I come back I'll bring your wedding ring.


So kiss me and smile for me.
Tell me that you'll wait for me.
Hold me like you'll never let me go.
Cause I'm leavin on a jet plane.
Don't know when I'll be back again.
Oh, babe I hate to go.


Now the time come to leave you.
One more time let me kiss you.
Then close your eyes I'll be on my way.
Dream about the days to come.
When I won't have to leave alone.
About the times I won't have to say


So kiss me and smile for me.
Tell me that you'll wait for me.
Hold me like you'll never let me go.
Cause I'm leavin on a jet plane.
Don't know when I'll be back again.
Oh, babe I hate to go.
I'm leavin on a jet plane.
Don't know when I'll be back again.
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Ahhhh....Beverly

She's been with me for a long time......through the good times and the bad times, and she's always brought a smile to my face and oftentimes a smile to others around. I occasionally get some strange looks when we're walking down the street together, but I'm sure it's just jealousy. After all, Beverly's no ordinary woman, in fact, she's no woman at all.......she's my umbrella, of course! That's right, I could be one of the few almost 30 yr old straight men out there with a child size umbrella that looks like a Bee! What can I say? I have an attachment to an umbrella.

I bought Beverly in Cape Town, South Africa after not needing an umbrella for almost two months of my travels! I was in Egypt for a month and anything north of South Africa is pretty much dry land during the winter season. So, it wasn't until hitting Cape Town until I saw ran. When it actually started raining, I ducked into a department store along with my friend Zach and Flo and we all came out with little child size umbrellas with different animals. Zach had Phyllis the Frog, Flo had Leslie the Ladybug, and I bought Beverly the Bee. The umbrellas got such a wonderful reaction, that I decided to hang on to Beverly throughout the rest of my trip. She was a great travel companion and was always there when I needed her.

Sure, some people laugh at me for hanging on to her all this time, but when you've been through all that we have, you just can't give up on each other. I made the mistake of trying another, but that didn't work out and Beverly was there to take me back. That's loyalty right there!

Ahhhhh....Beverly! Where would I be without you? Probably soaking wet in the midst of the remnants of Hurricane Faye's as she blows through the DC area.....that's where!

More later.....

Back to work!

So, it's been a week back in the workforce and I can't help but think.......what have I done? I'm sure it's like buyer's remorse but I did have that thought this morning of.....I'm going to be doing this for the next 30 years?! I'll tell you, it's tough to adjust to waking up early every morning to get dressed to go to work. I'm sure I'll fall back into the rhythm of the working life, but for now.....there have been a lot of trips to the Starbucks and the coffee machine!

More later.....

Hi ho, hi ho.....it's off to work I go?

Amazingly enough, after a year and three months, it's time for me to head back to work. Gone are the mid-day naps, matinees, afternoon runs and lounging around at Starbucks to do some reading and writing on a nice day. Gone are the flip-flops and t-shirts. Gone are days of sleeping in because.....hey, what did I have to wake up for?

Am I excited or nervous? Actually, not at all.......I'm ready. It's time for me to get back into the work force and get back into the flow of what most people call a 'normal life.'

More later......